Back in the land of the semi-living!

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Happy Friday everyone. 

I am settling in to my new life since the big move very well and when I get back to the house, after a long week at work, it is so lovely and serene. We still have boxes absolutely everywhere but it's fine because we are picking our way through the place and finding a home for it all. My little office space is beautiful...also still a mess, but I love it.

Moving away from friends, family and everything you know is really hard. It's not like I have hoards of friends, but the ones I do have mean the world to me. They are my backbone. So, this move had to workout. The positives had to outweigh the negatives or else I think I would've gone insane.

When I look out my window I can see fields full of rape seed and beautiful, bright red poppies that are standing so tall all competing for the most sunlight (sounds like me). The town has cute little back roads that are all higgledy piggledy and have sweet little coffee shops with yummy treats everywhere. The sky is so wide, it's like widescreen TV and HD times a million! 

Living here has eased some of the burdens I have been carrying about the last few years but I have a few more to go yet. I know that, no matter how hard life is, there is this beautiful, warm place to come home to, with M's gorgeous smile and loving cuddles - that is pretty great.

Have a lovely weekend. See you on Monday.

xoxoxo

It's when your sick that you know it's love!

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I have been super sick today. No better way of putting it!

 

About 1.30am I woke up feeling rough and by 3am I was hunched over the toilet coughing up a lung! It was truly awful.

 

I woke M up and said, in a mumbled voice, 'I feel sick'. He was so cute to me that inside my sick little body my heart melted. All I could do was say 'please don't touch me, it makes me feel worse!' (you know what I mean right?!)

 

Before going off to work he set me up with water and lemonade (my comfort drink when I feel poorly!) and said he would stay with me today if I wanted. That was so lovely.

 

It's so nice to be cared for and thought about.

 

Anyway, this was all I could muster today. Hope to be on the up tomorrow.

 

Speak soon xoxo

Night watch.

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Sometimes, when you are feeling a little fragile with the world, nothing beats your other half rolling over in the night and putting a protective arm around you and holding you tight. Something about that makes you feel really secure and loved.

Ever since we have been together, right from the very first night we spent together, M and I have always (well, 9 times out of 10) fallen asleep holding hands. Whether we are laying side by side on our backs, facing each other or even, as I described above, 'spooned' together, we always link fingers. There is something about his soft touch and his fingers stroking my arm or hand as I fall asleep that I find so incredibly comforting.

I adore those little moments when, in the middle of the night, we dozily kiss each other really passionately and then fall back to sleep, waking in the morning to a faint trace of memory which needs questioning by the other person, like '...do you remember doing that too?'.

And then, when the sun comes up and I wake before you, looking at you sleeping beside me and I can't believe you are there. With me.

A bit of time for me.

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I spoke yesterday about mental health and my struggles with it. I wanted to add a couple of things to my ramble from yesterday, things that I feel may help you, if you suffer too. 

Firstly, there doesn't always have to be something wrong in my life for me to feel like that, like this. Sometimes it can just happen, for no reason, caused by nothing, brought on by no one.

Mr M asked me yesterday what would help me take my mind of things or help me to feel better. Exercise is a huge part of things feeling better for me and it really helps my mind to heal, so I cannot recommend it enough to anyone suffering with any form of mental health issues. Even on the days where you really feel at your most down - get your bottom up and do something, anything. Go for a walk with the dog, get a dvd on and do that cheesy celebrity class in the privacy of your front room or go to the gym, if you can face it. Believe me, I know it feels totally out of the question, but I also know it will 100% make you feel better, and it will help you to sleep better.

In my mind, these days anyway, when I hit a patch of feeling like this I will try picking up the exercise before I try anything else. I am no expert so please understand that this is just my opinion and I can only advise on what has worked for me. 

What other things make me feel better, now let's see:

- Reading a good book, something that is pure escapism (but with no triggers that will set me off). I tend to re-read something, an old favourite. Maybe this will sound sad to you but something like Harry Potter for me works wonders!

- Being creative. Sitting down with my sketchbook or painting something really helps me. Taking my pencils out somewhere quiet and just losing myself in the moment of a drawing. Helps ease the anxiety a lot.

- A bit of a pamper session. I probably feel at my worst when I feel low. After a little bit of exercise I have a bit of a pamper. Steam my face, cleanse, apply a mask, massage in some face oil or moisturiser and then apply my make up. That is something I always have to do, whatever my mood - makeup. A huge mood elevator for me.

- Get in the garden. Plant seeds, get your hands in the soil. It is really relaxing and rewarding.

- Cuddle a pet. Seriously - that is a real winner!

- Have a good cry - don't let it build up. Grab a loved one and cry it all out. It will really help. 

- Watch a funny movie. More escapism (Harry Potter film anyone?!)

They may all seem obvious things but they help me. Think about what will help you too - and then try it. When you feel at your lowest point, what do you really have to lose?

xoxo

What do you need?

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If you were looking at this (above), which would you take? Today I honestly think I would take strength and healing. I started today feeling so 'up' and now am feeling a bit of an emotional wreck. I haven't really spoken about my battle with mental health before but I am starting to 'feel' it creeping in again. I was once told, by several professionals, that I am 'Bipolar' and I have to say, the older I have got, the more I understand how true it is.

The difference now that I am a little older is that I can see a bad day coming and not let it totally destroy me. When I was in my early 20's I would scratch my arms until they bled, just to release tensions that had built up. It wasn't even a cry for help, I didn't always do it in places that were visible. Sometimes I lived in long sleeved tops, even when it was hot, just so people didn't ask too many questions.

Mental battles are the worst, they are unseen and, in my case, not talked about. I rarely open up about it and if I do I make it sounds like it is nothing, like it isn't too bad at all. I do it all with a big smile on my face. Tragic. So, when the time comes that I actually need someone, like, really need someone - there is no one. People always think I am ok, always. And that is all my own fault. I hate burdening people with my shit, I really do.

Right now, however, I am not in a great place mentally. I will be fine, I always am fine in the end, but I have to go through this first. Days where I feel like just staying curled up in bed and not seeing anyone. I hate seeing my own reflection in the mirror, what I see repulses me at times. I can stare at myself for 10 minutes just ripping everything about myself to pieces. What is hard is distinguishing the difference between any woman's 'bad' days, and the sort of day I am currently experiencing - I know the difference, but it is hard to explain.

I get so sad when I hear of someone going through this, it is so awful and isolating. I end up acting like an awkward moron, just because I am feeling so self-aware. I swear that one day I will be pulled over in the supermarket, by a security guard, for simply acting shifty - which I do. This is down to feeling so self conscious and anxious. I spend some trips to the supermarket just looking around at everyone, thinking that everybody is staring at me, laughing at me, or thinking I look strange. I can really drive myself crackers.

It isn't easy to talk about this stuff, so I hope you will respect it and try to look at other people who suffer with depression or anxiety in a different light because you never quite know when it might strike you.

xoxoxo

Ladies, I have proof.

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'You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful'

That's what I retweeted the other day on my personal account on Twitter - to a lovely response from a couple of guys who follow me. They were all 'hell yeah!', 'Amen!', '...I totally agree with that!'. Phew, what a relief!

I mean, look at the picture above - how gorgeous is she?! If I was a guy I would rather that beautiful, curvy woman, over a knobbly frame that feels fragile to hold. I am not trying to offend thinner ladies, you are equally as beautiful, but I just prefer a curvier look. Which is strange seeing as I'm curvy and can't stand the way I look! My goodness, we really are a strange breed us girls! (queue men rolling their eyes and furiously nodding in agreement!)

I guess I am talking about this currently because I am feeling a little low about my appearance. I referred  to myself as looking 'scrappy' to Mr M, who said, 'oh my lovely, you don't look scrappy!' (I love him!).

I feel in need of being airlifted to a Health Spa and picked up in a couple of days. I know it sounds very self-indulgent to talk about, but back in the day, when I had a better job, I was able to afford regular hair cuts, colours, trips to Boots for skincare products and new make up etc. These days it is bare essentials only and hair cuts only when I get very desperate. I am the first to say that materialism isn't all that matters, it should not matter, but a few things, here and there, just to make you feel better about yourself when you are feeling low really makes a difference - for women especially.

Anyway, whilst I have a mental battle after M said 'why don't I treat you to a few bits' (I never take money off anyone) I will browse on Boots and do what I usually do when skint - fill the online basket so I feel like I am doing some shopping, then delete that basket. Imaginary shopping complete!!

Don't judge me! :-) 

That back to school feeling.

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Sometimes, and I really don't know why this happens, when I get up for work, especially when it is early, I feel that nervous feeling in my stomach. It is the same feeling you get when you start a new job or have mega worries in your head (or the same feeling as when you'd had a whole summer off school and had to go back). It can really psyche me out and make me feel on the edge of tears. I had it this morning before I left for work. I wanted the safety of my house and the comfort of my bed. This feeling normally rears its ugly head in the winter months when I am starved of daylight, but when it strikes it is terrifyingly uncomfortable. I am open about my history of depression (just haven't talked about it here yet) so when this feeling strikes it is really awful for me and bowls me down so fast.

Still, I have made it to work, with a '...it'll be alright when you get there and see your friends' from Mr M (just like school days for sure!). I will smile and stand tall and no one will be any the wiser.

Do you suffer with this feeling? How do you handle it? I am intrigued to know, let's share! 

Time for a change.

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Recently I have been going through a time of needing to deal with situations that have ben long buried in my mind. I am great at giving advice but really terrible at dealing with my own rubbish. My avoidance techniques are many and varied and include: turning up music or TV so that I cannot hear anything else, keeping so busy I go insane and exercising until late at night as to get myself so ruddy tired I have no energy for more. It has taken me nearly three years of thinking and avoiding and suffering the metaphorical rain showers to get ready to move forward.

I am soon to make a big step forward in my personal life, which has taken such a lot of physical and emotional effort to reach, with no additional support from anyone. One day I may have the strength to talk about it.

In order to get there I have made many steps and when I make the final one I will need a distraction to prevent madness from setting in completely. I have started working on other projects and will endeavour to set goals to put these into action. I will be collaborating with a close friend to make crafts ready to sell and hope that we can both step forwards together. I will introduce you to her soon as she will be advertising her blog on my blog and vice versa.

It has also occurred to me that recently I have gone in to a little bit of self neglect: chewing and picking my nails, not making the effort to look after my skin, not eating as well as I should etc. All of this needs to end and I have been looking for inspiration in this area too. I found this lovely ladies YouTube channel so motivational and down to earth, check out Lily Pebbles now!!

 

The new social.

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Social Networking. A strange phenomenon huh?

I am of the age where it is 'the norm' to be on every kind of social networking medium out there. But I find it all strange, even though I do use it. I just try and use it sparingly and very carefully I guess. Recently I put myself back on Facebook again. After the collapse of a long term relationship I felt it was time to step away from the strangeness and stalker nature of FB in order to not get overly obsessed with what my ex, Rob, was up to, including finding out what everyone's opinions were, whos 'side' they had chosen etc.

People who are my friends on my personal FB account (there are only about 15 of them these days) tend to widely advertise every part of their lives. Whilst I find it fascinating, I would rather do it anonymously....here!

There are some strange ones on FB right?!? Recently I received a private message on my personal account. Some random nut job decided he would message me to let me know he thought I was 'pretty hot'... when I did some investigation into this message I discovered he was a friend of a friend. That's all a bit risky is it not? I could have been really insulted and ended up falling out with our mutual friend. I guess he was hoping for me to PM back declaring that I thought he was the most gorgeous male specimen I had set eyes on and beg him to meet me immediately, if not sooner, for a lust filled evening, followed closely by marriage (obviously) and children (of course!).

Almost a week later I gained a new follower on my personal Twitter account. Some guy, with a very anonymous picture (of just one, very young looking eye). He occasionally comments on what I have to say, and, I must admit, he is quite amusing! He says intelligent things and is clearly intellectual. He responded to something I had written this week and we engaged in a short conversation, which was fine. After a while I was rounding up the stream of sentences when he said 'we really should get to know each-other'!! Then he PM'd me. 

Let me set a bit more of a scene. He never gives ANYTHING away, zip all. This PM message tells me his age (older than I would've said by about 15 years), his job, his rough location. He says he doesn't message everyone like he messages me. Anyone else freaked out yet? 

Bloody social media. It gives people anonymity and a boost of confidence right? Some guys just wouldn't approach a girl unless it was behind a photo of a 20 year old's eye.

So happy you're back.

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M has been gone this week, for a couple of weeks. It has been so strange without him about the place. I love time alone, I find it relaxing and calming, but at the same time I have been longing for his touch and his warmth. He is my rock, my pal, my soothing little partner in crime. When he is back everything seems 'whole' again... plus there'e the 'I've missed you sex...'

;-)

Unexpected mood booster!

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Do you know what is a really good mood booster? Finding out someone has a bit of a crush on you. It can really help lift your confidence and help you towards a much happier place. I found out recently that someone I work with is really into me. I really don't mean to sound arrogant about it but it is really nice! Despite yesterdays post, I really don't get a whole lot of male attention. It's true! I have been told that I can be intimidating to men. I think it is down to being nervous and cracking some really rather bad jokes. I feel awkward around them sometimes, and then I can fall into the 'friends zone' - there is really no turning back from that place!

So I find out this guys thinks I am pretty nice and it gave me the boost I needed at a time I was feeling low. It is amusing though, us ladies can spend our lives saying how we don't need men to give us confidence but boy do we feel good when it comes along.

Springing back to the front.

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Do you ever have those moments when something springs back into your memory that was fairly significant in its own way but you had totally forgotten about it? Well, that's what happened to me today.

When I was 19 we had the sort of neighbour's that most teenagers obsess with (I certainly did!). They were a cute couple, in their mid 30's, with what seemed like a perfect lifestyle - Him: flash car, music, smart clothes / Her: petite, lovely, kind and caring. I liked to watch their comings and goings - there were many parties with 'cool' music blaring out.

One day we were all invited over. When my parents left I stayed on for a bit. Sat in their conservatory I chatted to one of his friends called Pete. Pete was a 30 something, silver fox, with a good job and a nice car. He was charming and I was pulled in by him.

I was about to leave and nipped into the downstairs toilet on my way out. When I opened the door that led into the hallway by the front door Pete was there. He said nothing, just pushed me up against the wall, right there and then, and kissed me with the most passion my 19 year old self had ever experienced. As he pulled away the hall door opened and everyone came outside to say goodbye to guests. No words were exchanged, but later that week I got a call from him.

Our time together was so brief, we weren't 'together' but we spent a few evenings getting to know each other. My slightly wiser head tells me now that I was an ego boost to him but whatever I was we did have fun! The first time I saw him after that party was when he invited me to his apartment near where I am right now actually. I got all dressed up and drove over. He wined and dined me and I remember he played George Michael's album (!). We chatted for hours and then I finally said goodnight and got to the front door- he caught my arm and pulled me close to him, kissing me in that same frantic way that caught me so off-guard the first time round. We ended up in bed together and it was only ok. I remember feeling disappointed but I didn't know an awful lot better then. Tragic!

We met a few more times after that and then we agreed it wasn't ever going to be anything more so stopped getting in touch. It is funny how you forget these people or these strange but fun situations that life throws up.
As I am typing I am remembering more...

(they will save for another night!)

Changing habits

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I get so angry with myself at times for letting things that have happened in the past directly affect the now. My very first boyfriend (ever), when I was about 17, cheated on me (and a few others after him). He went away once and I know what happened. He shortly ended things, by which time I was about 18-19, and a couple of days later paraded his gorgeous new girlfriend in front of my work. I was devastated. Utterly heartbroken. My first love had ripped my heart apart and it took a long time to get over.

Another boyfriend, when I was in my early 20's, started his own business and used to be constantly calling this girl, called Gemma, chatting to her in some central office that used him as a freelancer. He was a cretin. He treated me so badly, mentally screwing me over.

To sum up (!) - years of torment have led to my current insecurities, even though I am with an absolute angel of a man. I know he won't cheat. I know it deep inside me, but from previous experiences I get worried and stupidly insecure. I don't want to be one of those girls. I really don't. In seconds I can go from uber secure and confident to an utter mess, hating myself, feeling like the ugliest individual around. I have read enough psychoanalysis in my time to know it stems from the past and, quite frankly, I don't need Freud to offer advice, because I am pretty sure he would say 'effing well sort it out'.

Sometimes I am truly ridiculous.

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Sometimes you just stand back from yourself and have a realisation.

I have realised that I am spending so much time trying to keep people happy and stay in touch with everyone and not hurt anyone that I am spreading myself too thinly and not giving time to the things and people that matter the most. I am so 'on edge' all the time, trying to decide how to handle my situation with Ron, whilst trying to build on my relationship with Mr M. It's impossible. In case you are wondering - I am not seeing two men here. I am trying to cut out an old one without hurt and without disaster...I have tried, believe me. I have had conversations, tried to explain that I care but don't want to be with him anymore. But the thing is, I still have feelings, not love, but feelings. We were together a while - we were the best of friends. It is hard and it is painful and I worry about him. I worry that something will happen to him and he won't have anyone to pick him up and take care of him. I know we are not meant to be together - there is no heat, no passion, I don't fancy him. What I have with M is passion, it is everything I have read about and fantasised about. We are friends, we talk, he listens, I love him so much. But it is still hard handling the other situation.

I would not recommend trying to exist in two spaces at once. In an ideal world I would have had a lot more time alone before meeting M, but life doesn't produce 'ideal situations' does it?

Anyway, the stress of it all impacts greatly on my relationship. How can I give 100% to M if I am worrying about Rob. My mind is spinning all the time and thoughts are no longer logical. Rob wants to see me and asks me all the time to see him. I make excuses up so I don't upset him. This has to stop, and I have to stop it. This is all my fault and I have the control to bring it all to an end. 

There is no truer saying than 'everyone is fighting their own battle'.

I don't normally do this (but)...

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I don't normally partake in the 'sharing' on FB of mass statuses. However, yesterday a friend had this  on their wall, I think it is true and it is worth stopping to consider this statement for a second:

Did you know that the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are often the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need caring for the most? Did you know that the three hardest things to say are 'I love you', 'I'm sorry' and 'help me'. Sometimes, just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

Think about it and be mindful today.

Funny old times...

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This weekend I spent a whole lot of time thinking about what I used to get up to in my early 20's and who I used to spend my time with. There is one person who makes me smile widely when I think about the past, not because I hold onto any regrets about him in the sense of a lost love, but just because of the stupid things we did together and also how stupid I was for him! I do miss him though, it has been a long time...

Mr G and I met at work. It was possibly one of the worst jobs either of us had ever had. The boss was   so bad and the company was so dodgy! (They got closed down not long after we left - thank God!). After we left the company and both moved on to other jobs we started hanging out more. He had a girlfriend (long term) and I was with someone too.

Thinking back, our relationship was so strange! We loved each others company and, even though we were both with people, still did anything to spend time together. We hung out late at night; he would call me and say 'fancy watching a film?' and I would rush over there, super tired but happy to spend time there, with him. I would sit in front of him whilst we watched the film and he would play with my hair. We would share ice cream, drink tea and chat and joke about stupid things.

We were never 'together'. We never discussed whether we had 'feelings' for each other or not, we just carried on this way for years. It only seems strange now.

I guess when you're older you need stability.

I realised, one day, years ago, that I was in love with him. But I also knew he wasn't in love with me. We had kissed a few times when we were both without partners, but that's as far as it ever went. I just think we were both a bit young to know what we wanted and what it was we were feeling.

During the later stages of our 'friendship' I used to arrange to see him, or he would tell me he would call but he never did. I would message him and leave him a voicemail every now and again.

One Christmas I remember thinking '...damn him, I am in love with him, I ache without him and I would do anything to see him or hear his voice...'. He turned up that year. Knocked on the front door, said 'Happy Christmas' and gave me a flower (I can't remember what it was, but I know it was some big, posh bloom). He didn't come in. That was that, gone...again.

After that I would receive the occasional text or email from him and we did meet for a coffee once or twice. So much time had passed by that I was happy to say to him 'you hurt me by keeping me strung along for so long...' I even told him I used to be in love with him. The lack of answer to that statement marked the turning point for me and I thought 'just move on'.

Weird though, thinking back on things that used to consume every part of you.

The thing is, I did love him, but experience tells me now that it wasn't the kind of love that would keep me going now; it was young, stupid love. The kind that is shallow and easily lost. New experiences have taught me what proper 'grown up' love is all about and, my God, it hurts so much more. If only we realise, when we're younger, how easy we have it.

Boxes.

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One thing you need to know about me is that I rarely open up about my problems to my friends. I am the one people come to, not the one that calls someone up in an emergency.

This last year has been one of the most stressful I  have ever experienced and I have felt incredibly alone and very vulnerable. This week has been the outpouring of all of it. I have cried and yelled and broken down more times than I can say. Not attractive, but very necessary! 

I saw some very close friends last week and one of them spoke to me about putting life issues into hypothetical 'boxes'. Separating everything into it own place and deciding which thing carries the most priority and then dealing with it. He explained how he coped, using this technique, when he moved away from his family. It makes sense, perfect sense. 

This is something I need to get better at, separating things. For me, everything ends up in one large ball of crap and I cannot see an end point or solution through it all.

So, having just unloaded almost all of my boxes post-move, I now have to construct some metaphorical ones and start filling them. Wish me luck.