Bad times making good things...

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Firstly, sorry it has been so long, I have been away for a bit and my scheduled posts failed to appear... this was one of them!

I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but M and I have serious family issues, his family, not mine (although mine are no angels right now either!!). I don't want to waffle on about it but what I am trying to highlight is how much we have grown as a couple since these issues became so much worse. We used to squabble about family things that had nothing to do with us. We have never 'fallen out' over anything other than family issues, and when we have argued, it isn't because we disagree, but more just because we are tired of things or frustrated.

Something happened last weekend that rocked us again and this time we ended up crying and hugging in talking about what we would do if we all failed to be reconciled. That was all so much more productive! Since that Saturday we have been so much closer and open. We both feel the difference and that is lovely. We know there is a large possibility that we may never have a 'family' Christmas again. We know that when we get married it will probably just be the two of us (as a result of all this my family are not interested in seeing his now - great.).

I told him that I had thought about leaving him (when things were super bad) but not because we were not getting on - just because I didn't want him to feel he had to choose between me and his family. The issues with them are nothing to do with me but I didn't want him to worry and I know family is important.

Overall, I guess what I am saying is, hang in there. Keep talking, talking is the most important thing and it is what led to my previous relationship failing, in my opinion. Try to remember who you are through the bad times and remember why you are together and how the person compliments you and how they make you happy. That is what I did, and it has worked.

Thank you M, you are my rock.

I love you.

xoxo

The complexities of relationships.

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When I was in my teens and early 20's, even late 20's to be honest, I lapped up any attention from the opposite sex - that is only because I rarely got any so when it came along I was all over it. Tragic. It is funny how you change when you get older and more settled. Now I am with someone that I see a future with I find anyone who is giving me too much attention annoying. I really don't mean that to sound big headed because, please believe me when I say I am not fighting them off! I think what I am trying to say is that I don't have the energy for all the things that are involved in getting to know someone new. All the texting back and forth, the worrying, the wishin, the hoping...for calls, texts, dates...it is thoroughly exhausting! Then, after all that, you still don't know if they will be right for you. Nine times out of ten they won't fit your ideal at all and you are left to start again. It is like a never ending game of snakes and ladders.

 

At my age it is even harder. Most people are relatively newly married, they might be thinking about starting a family or planning their lives. If you find someone who is the same age and single, chances are they have a fairly substancial history and perhaps some baggage (I hate that word). Now, I know this is a personal thing, but I hate the thought of being with someone who has been married or in a super long term relationship. Having said that though, I would hate to think that someone wouldn't be with me because of that. I just get super insecure and worried. I have been cheated on in the past and I think that has changed an awful lot of things for me, especially the way I look at relationships.

 

I would hate someone to have slept around a lot. That would be a deal breaker for me. It would scream 'wandering eye' and 'womaniser'. But at the same time no one has lived perfectly, and when we are younger we really don't consider what may weigh us down in the future. I have a few regrets and I am sure we all do.

 

Things get more complicated as you get older, but they can also be more beautiful and that is what I hold on to.

 

xoxo

Trust Me

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When I typed up yesterdays post I had no idea that the royal baby had been born... trust me to go with a subject like that when that had happened. If anyone was offended I truly apologise.

Congratulations to the new mummy and daddy. 

I love Kate and William, I really do. I think they are refreshing and clearly so in love. I hope that they manage to hang on to what they have forever and be happy. Now they are three - there is strength in numbers.

xoxo

History.

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The reason I started this blog was to become more open and honest without the fear of upsetting anyone I know but also to act as some sort of therapy for me too. I don't always feel like I open up as easily as I should, but today I really want to. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about decisions made in the past and how different life would be right now if I had taken an alternative pathway instead. 

When I was 20 years old (I think that is right), I found out I was pregnant. The boyfriend I was with at the time was a bit of a tearaway, not always very nice to me (that's a whole other story) and certainly wasn't someone I would have wanted to settle down with. He pretty much refused to use protection and I justs hoped, in my naivety that the inevitable wouldn't happen. Stupid girl.

I had been ill for several weeks, with flu like symptoms, then went to the doctor. She told me to do a text at home, which I did. To be totally honest, I don't remember an awful lot about the moments that led up to me visiting the clinic and getting the procedure done, but I do have one huge regret - not keeping the scan picture. I don't even remember getting rid of the picture, I remember it being tucked away with some paperwork. Maybe my mum destroyed it as the whole mention of 'the situation' was taboo.

There really is no need for me to go into much more detail about it but my point is that it was so hard. Not at the time but a couple of years afterwards. If I had had the child he or she would now be about 12 years old...ish. I was thinking about where I would be now if that path had happened.

It is so different now, being with someone who I can see being an amazing Dad. Right now I really can't think of having a child. I don't see that it will happen for me, for us. But it is a really emotional feeling to know you have the right person for that job as and when it comes up. 

I am truly sorry little baby - it wasn't right, it was totally the wrong time for you...

I love you always.

xoxo

Humble apologies...

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I am standing before you today with my fluffy tail between my legs - I have been somewhat absent from this site this week. I have had a mega work week and been rushing about left, right and centre. Forgive me. I have also had one of those weeks where people have made me feel inadequate and unintelligent. I have been treated so badly by so many people this week and to top it all off I was rejected for a job I applied for. Not a good week overall. But now I am trying to rise above it and keep positive, not easy in a crisis but I am doing my best. I am desperate for a change of job and want to be somewhere that I can climb the ladder and thrive. Where I am now is great, the job is a dream, but I do more and more, as if I am getting invisible promotions, but do not get any more recognition, financial or otherwise. So depressing.

So, as it is not in my nature to give up I will continue to 'bloom where planted' until something else comes along.

xoxo

Upping the game!

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It is no secret that life has been tough recently, but I think M and I are finally coming out the other side of things. We have had some long and honest chats about things and we are better. Much better. For a minute there I was all 'Woah, what if...'. Now I am settling back down again.

M is making more effort too. We went out on a date night on Friday to the cinema, which was awesome and we sat in the back row like a pair of loved up teenagers! 

I think the key is to never feel too 'at home' in your relationship. Make the effort, it is so worth it in the end. Do your hair, put some make-up on, choose a nice, pretty outfit, make him realise what he will be missing if he doesn't pull things together. Carry on being independent but know you are always there for one another. That is the sexiest thing ever.

The further away you are...

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As I drove further and further away from you I realised how much I longed to stay with you. I had no choice, I had to leave you there but I had no interest in doing so. All night I thought about you and longed to be by your side, thinking about what we would be doing together if I was there... sitting on the sofa watching favourite repeats of silly programmes that make us smile and laugh together, drinking tea and eating KitKats fresh from the fridge. It is those precious moments I miss so much when we are not together. I hate leaving you. I hate driving away from you standing there mouthing 'I love you'...

It will get less and less, I promise.

xoxo

A big believer.

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I am a big believer in love. That four letter word that can rip our hearts out as quickly as it can make them flutter. I have had my fair share of heartache and my fair share of breaking hearts I think, yet I still believe. I want the grand romance, the feel of being swept off my feet by someone and being carried away by it all. I want the flowers, the notes, the surprises - all of it. I am not bothered at all for grand, expensive gestures, I would swap those gladly for a hand written letter or a home cooked meal by candlelight. 

I want to be called 'darling' and I want to be someones 'sweetheart', rather than 'babe' or 'bird'. I want to have spontaneous moments like being dragged out my chair to slow dance to some old sloppy tune or snuggle in the rain outside a cafe over hot, steaming mugs of chocolate in the autumn as the leaves fall all about.

I am a hopeless, helpless romantic. Perhaps that's why I never feel quite settled in relationships. Perhaps I am in the wrong time. Perhaps I won't find any of those things in my lifetime. I really hope I do.

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I haven't been the happiest of bunnies of late. You are probably sick of me, I am sick of me. I am crying at the drop of a hat and finding it hard to listen to any music which isn't thumping a loud bass in my head to distract me from the world. I don't know whether I am just exhausted from all that has been going on or whether I am entering some kind of transitional stage in life and I need a change. Whatever is going on is making me feel utterly lost and confused and like I want to get away from it all and have peace.

Right now I am not financially 'well-off' but am seriously considering a few days away, alone. Just to take myself off on a road trip to my favourite place by the sea would be heaven. I could do with just laying out on the beach in the early morning or late afternoon sun and soaking up the sounds, sights and rays. Clearing my mind and writing or reading. Being creative and free to do whatever. Going to that cafe on the huge long beach that goes on forever and watching the world go by...

Daddies little girl

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(I am scheduling this post so if it appears in the morning and you have concerns please don't!)

Right now it is 10.40pm and I have just shared a whiskey with my Dad. I haven't seen him for a while, several weeks actually, and we never get time alone, nor do we ever talk about anything deep - he's just not that sort of Dad, he's of the generation of 'leave that to mum'.

Over the last few months I have made the catastrophic mistake of confiding in my Mum about a few personal issues with M. I have done what anyone would do and had a bit of a moan. Fundamentally M is ok, there are just a few things which irritate me and they are mentioned in a few posts here. Apparently Mum and Dad do talk.

So tonight my Dad says 'you don't have to tell me or answer this question... do you think it is going to work?' (referring to my relationship with M). He goes on to explain how Mum tells him a few bits and pieces and that he is 'concerned' but doesn't want to interfere. I tell him that there are some issues but M is a good man, respectful, kind, gentle etc. He just has some tendencies which are not conventional which I find somewhat frustrating and, very occasionally, selfish. 

We don't really discuss it any further but now I know he is concerned it has my mind even more unsettled. I spoke earlier about not feeling worried about being away from home and not feeling valued...now I feel worse. Ultimately, as I explained to my Dad this evening, it is my decision and if I think it is not working out then I will make the right choice for me. I have to learn to switch off from opinion. No-one knows my relationship and everyone has struggles. Unfortunately my Mum and Dad have the tendency to right people off after one blip. That;s obviously where I get my 'my God it's all over after one fight' attitude from!

So now I am left wondering what else they are thinking. It is best to just carry on as normal I think and not bring it up again. I have to work this out for myself. Like I did before. And before that!

Absorbed.

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Do you ever have days where you feel like you are totally absorbed into the world? I mean, like you say something to someone and it goes through them, or you smile at someone and they look past you, not seeing you? To me that feels like utter absorption into the world, into their mind, into your immediate background. Sometimes you can feel like screaming...I DO EXIST! I AM HERE! But other days you are happy to blend in.

I am away this week and thought I would be desperately missing home, but I am not and that is very much down to the fact that I don't feel special enough or valued enough there currently. I know that will change. I really do, but it is how I feel now. I feel a touch taken for granted, I know that will devastate M if he finds that out. 

I don't feel like we have enough fun together at all. We don't do enough. He would be happiest at home, curtains shut and his head stuck into his PS3. I could wander in naked and I doubt it would make a difference to him. Perhaps I will try that... let you know how it goes!

Memories (in the corner of my mind)

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I don't remember how this memory came rushing back to me today but it seemed to pop back into my mind and it made me cringe and smile in equal measures!

Once upon a job I met this guy, I really can't remember his name, poor chap (!), but he was quite sweet and it wasn't until now that I remembered him. In this job I would spend a lot of time around a lot of different people everyday. There were hundreds of people passing through the doors of this place all the God damn time and I was so busy all day that I rarely got a chance to chat to all the customers. 

I was having a really rough time of things at that particular moment of my life so I must've not had my head entirely screwed on or else I may have more interesting details for you. This guy used to talk with me when he could and it was clear he had a bit of a 'thing' for me. We didn't go out or anything but I remember him as being really sweet to me.

It was all quite 'silent' really. What I mean by that is that he was just sort of there, like he knew I was struggling so was just like a support.

One day he turned up at my house. When I came to the door he was stood there with a roast dinner. He had heard I wasn't feeling too well from someone at work, and he had cooked me a dinner, wrapped it up and come on over. I really hope my memory is failing me because I cannot remember letting him in. That is not my style at all, I like to think I am not that rude at all.

I don't know where he disappeared to (probably somewhere that someone actually let him in). 

All these years later I look back on that and think, wow, I would love it if a guy noticed I was feeling crap and brought a dinner around to my place or anything for that matter. That poor guy. He was so sweet and I don't think I treated him that well.

I wish I could see him face to face and say sorry.

Am I unusual?

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How 'normal' is this stuff at my age?

- Not having loads of friends.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends, just not many close ones. I have a few friends that I would call 'best' - or maybe two. The rest are great but they would not notice if I went AWOL I am pretty sure of that.

- Not knowing where I am going.

I mean this more in the sense of a career I suppose. I adore what I do, and I think, if this doesn't sound too egotistical, that I am pretty darn good at it. But where I work has no career prospects, no pay rise (at all) and nowhere for me to grow to. I want so much more, and I work so hard. It drives me crackers. Just as well I love it.

- To not want kids.

Que intake of breath here! I just don't want children! I would rather hang out with the animal kingdom-they make me happy, they relax me, they make me feel calm and centered. Children, well, children are great. I love spending time with other peoples. Spoiling them and making them laugh, but I don't feel broody or have the 'urge'. Will I regret that when I am older and totally alone? Probably. But that is no reason to go there now is it?

- Feeling inadequate.

Ever since I can remember I have felt 'different'. I feel like my journey should be different to everyone elses. I really don't mean that in a big headed way because, as you may have noticed above I am saying I feel inadequate. This is most days, all the time actually. I feel less intelligent, less creative, less beautiful, less funny, less wanted and less 'normal' than everyone else. The upside to this is that I treat people better I think. I don't feel I am owed anything - a trait seemingly popular in others.

- Feeling lonely.

Surely this is not normal? I should be out there, busying myself with life, socialising and having fun. Partly the reason this doesn't happen is life and being so damn busy, part of it is my fears and part is M. He doesn't really go in for the going out to do things (see previous posts!). 

Is this all normal? I feel like I am questioning far too much at the moment - perhaps that is my problem! I need to get out there - stick two fingers up to a whole bunch of stuff and get on with it!

Starting over (again)

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I have got into a rather stupidly depressing habit recently (that's what stress does to me), of thinking the worst of everything. If I have a disagreement with M, I think 'this is it' and start desperately planning what I am going to do next...where will I live? What 'stuff' will I have to take with me? What will I do with my life now?

The rather pathetic side to this, as if it's not pathetic enough already, is that once on this train of thought it is hard to stop. The truth is that I wouldn't have anything at all. I took nothing from my previous relationship. I left everything behind. If anything was to happen to this one, I would still have nothing.  At 30 something years old that thought is so sad.

I would return to my parents, once again, with nothing, nada, zilch.

I always like to think that if anything happened I would up roots totally and move somewhere far away to start over, again. But the reality of that thought is that it would be filled entirely with loneliness.

Y'know, I am a big Sex and the City fan. When I was in my 20's I would watch that show and wonder how anyone could questions their lives so much or how someone could end up so confused by life. My God, I really understand that these days. Everyday is a bloody uphill battle with some individual or some situation.

Let's hope that none of the above happens. If it does I guess I will discover that a tiny bit of strength is still in my bones and carry on forwards once again.

The mystery years.

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I lay in bed last night pondering my life and how much it has changed - how much it is still changing. I am finding my thirties the most difficult. I sat to type this post today and thought 'I can't write that, no one wants to hear that and you only said good things about him the other day...', then I thought to myself that everyones lives are changing all the time. Someone you are all loved up with one minute can make you feel stupid the next. That. Is. Life.

Let me explain my dilemma.

The relationship I am currently in is one of the best and one of the most frustrating in equal measures. Never before have I experience passion the way I do now. Never before have I missed someone the way I do now. Never before have I felt like someone 'has my back' like I do now. But never before have I felt so frustrated at a man. You know that feeling when you get anxious in your tummy? I have that with M sometimes, but it is a feeling I have never had before. 

I will go into more detail some other time about our early relationship, then this may make more sense, but last nights frustrations got way out of hand and I ended up sulking for ages, as did he actually. 

The disagreement started when we were watching something on tv and I said '...we should go gigs together!'. We have never done anything like that together and I love it. I love the theatre, live music, comedy, contemporary dance, the lot really, and we have never been together. I have been on my own to things or with friends. Now, M's reaction to my comment was '...it depends who it is'. That made me upset, which, wrongly came out as an angry 'my God, you're a selfish bastard' (I did laugh when I said it but he got up and sulked off upstairs - fair enough).

The trouble I have with this seemingly stupid argument, is that when I am with someone I would do whatever it takes to make them happy. I would go to a Cliff Richard concert if I had to for crying out loud...might quite enjoy that, perhaps it was a bad example! You get what I am saying...I am in it 100% and as long as it makes someone happy I'm in. I don't feel that in return and that makes me so sad.

We did make up and I said sorry for calling him a selfish bastard, he isn't with 99% of things and even when he is, I shouldn't say that. He said 'I would never talk to you like that', and he's right, I know he wouldn't, he never has. But for heavens sake man, I never ask for anything, I never ever do. Help me out here.

Rant over.

Amen.

Back in the land of the semi-living!

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Happy Friday everyone. 

I am settling in to my new life since the big move very well and when I get back to the house, after a long week at work, it is so lovely and serene. We still have boxes absolutely everywhere but it's fine because we are picking our way through the place and finding a home for it all. My little office space is beautiful...also still a mess, but I love it.

Moving away from friends, family and everything you know is really hard. It's not like I have hoards of friends, but the ones I do have mean the world to me. They are my backbone. So, this move had to workout. The positives had to outweigh the negatives or else I think I would've gone insane.

When I look out my window I can see fields full of rape seed and beautiful, bright red poppies that are standing so tall all competing for the most sunlight (sounds like me). The town has cute little back roads that are all higgledy piggledy and have sweet little coffee shops with yummy treats everywhere. The sky is so wide, it's like widescreen TV and HD times a million! 

Living here has eased some of the burdens I have been carrying about the last few years but I have a few more to go yet. I know that, no matter how hard life is, there is this beautiful, warm place to come home to, with M's gorgeous smile and loving cuddles - that is pretty great.

Have a lovely weekend. See you on Monday.

xoxoxo

It's when your sick that you know it's love!

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I have been super sick today. No better way of putting it!

 

About 1.30am I woke up feeling rough and by 3am I was hunched over the toilet coughing up a lung! It was truly awful.

 

I woke M up and said, in a mumbled voice, 'I feel sick'. He was so cute to me that inside my sick little body my heart melted. All I could do was say 'please don't touch me, it makes me feel worse!' (you know what I mean right?!)

 

Before going off to work he set me up with water and lemonade (my comfort drink when I feel poorly!) and said he would stay with me today if I wanted. That was so lovely.

 

It's so nice to be cared for and thought about.

 

Anyway, this was all I could muster today. Hope to be on the up tomorrow.

 

Speak soon xoxo

Night watch.

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Sometimes, when you are feeling a little fragile with the world, nothing beats your other half rolling over in the night and putting a protective arm around you and holding you tight. Something about that makes you feel really secure and loved.

Ever since we have been together, right from the very first night we spent together, M and I have always (well, 9 times out of 10) fallen asleep holding hands. Whether we are laying side by side on our backs, facing each other or even, as I described above, 'spooned' together, we always link fingers. There is something about his soft touch and his fingers stroking my arm or hand as I fall asleep that I find so incredibly comforting.

I adore those little moments when, in the middle of the night, we dozily kiss each other really passionately and then fall back to sleep, waking in the morning to a faint trace of memory which needs questioning by the other person, like '...do you remember doing that too?'.

And then, when the sun comes up and I wake before you, looking at you sleeping beside me and I can't believe you are there. With me.

A bit of time for me.

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I spoke yesterday about mental health and my struggles with it. I wanted to add a couple of things to my ramble from yesterday, things that I feel may help you, if you suffer too. 

Firstly, there doesn't always have to be something wrong in my life for me to feel like that, like this. Sometimes it can just happen, for no reason, caused by nothing, brought on by no one.

Mr M asked me yesterday what would help me take my mind of things or help me to feel better. Exercise is a huge part of things feeling better for me and it really helps my mind to heal, so I cannot recommend it enough to anyone suffering with any form of mental health issues. Even on the days where you really feel at your most down - get your bottom up and do something, anything. Go for a walk with the dog, get a dvd on and do that cheesy celebrity class in the privacy of your front room or go to the gym, if you can face it. Believe me, I know it feels totally out of the question, but I also know it will 100% make you feel better, and it will help you to sleep better.

In my mind, these days anyway, when I hit a patch of feeling like this I will try picking up the exercise before I try anything else. I am no expert so please understand that this is just my opinion and I can only advise on what has worked for me. 

What other things make me feel better, now let's see:

- Reading a good book, something that is pure escapism (but with no triggers that will set me off). I tend to re-read something, an old favourite. Maybe this will sound sad to you but something like Harry Potter for me works wonders!

- Being creative. Sitting down with my sketchbook or painting something really helps me. Taking my pencils out somewhere quiet and just losing myself in the moment of a drawing. Helps ease the anxiety a lot.

- A bit of a pamper session. I probably feel at my worst when I feel low. After a little bit of exercise I have a bit of a pamper. Steam my face, cleanse, apply a mask, massage in some face oil or moisturiser and then apply my make up. That is something I always have to do, whatever my mood - makeup. A huge mood elevator for me.

- Get in the garden. Plant seeds, get your hands in the soil. It is really relaxing and rewarding.

- Cuddle a pet. Seriously - that is a real winner!

- Have a good cry - don't let it build up. Grab a loved one and cry it all out. It will really help. 

- Watch a funny movie. More escapism (Harry Potter film anyone?!)

They may all seem obvious things but they help me. Think about what will help you too - and then try it. When you feel at your lowest point, what do you really have to lose?

xoxo

What do you need?

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If you were looking at this (above), which would you take? Today I honestly think I would take strength and healing. I started today feeling so 'up' and now am feeling a bit of an emotional wreck. I haven't really spoken about my battle with mental health before but I am starting to 'feel' it creeping in again. I was once told, by several professionals, that I am 'Bipolar' and I have to say, the older I have got, the more I understand how true it is.

The difference now that I am a little older is that I can see a bad day coming and not let it totally destroy me. When I was in my early 20's I would scratch my arms until they bled, just to release tensions that had built up. It wasn't even a cry for help, I didn't always do it in places that were visible. Sometimes I lived in long sleeved tops, even when it was hot, just so people didn't ask too many questions.

Mental battles are the worst, they are unseen and, in my case, not talked about. I rarely open up about it and if I do I make it sounds like it is nothing, like it isn't too bad at all. I do it all with a big smile on my face. Tragic. So, when the time comes that I actually need someone, like, really need someone - there is no one. People always think I am ok, always. And that is all my own fault. I hate burdening people with my shit, I really do.

Right now, however, I am not in a great place mentally. I will be fine, I always am fine in the end, but I have to go through this first. Days where I feel like just staying curled up in bed and not seeing anyone. I hate seeing my own reflection in the mirror, what I see repulses me at times. I can stare at myself for 10 minutes just ripping everything about myself to pieces. What is hard is distinguishing the difference between any woman's 'bad' days, and the sort of day I am currently experiencing - I know the difference, but it is hard to explain.

I get so sad when I hear of someone going through this, it is so awful and isolating. I end up acting like an awkward moron, just because I am feeling so self-aware. I swear that one day I will be pulled over in the supermarket, by a security guard, for simply acting shifty - which I do. This is down to feeling so self conscious and anxious. I spend some trips to the supermarket just looking around at everyone, thinking that everybody is staring at me, laughing at me, or thinking I look strange. I can really drive myself crackers.

It isn't easy to talk about this stuff, so I hope you will respect it and try to look at other people who suffer with depression or anxiety in a different light because you never quite know when it might strike you.

xoxoxo

Ladies, I have proof.

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'You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful'

That's what I retweeted the other day on my personal account on Twitter - to a lovely response from a couple of guys who follow me. They were all 'hell yeah!', 'Amen!', '...I totally agree with that!'. Phew, what a relief!

I mean, look at the picture above - how gorgeous is she?! If I was a guy I would rather that beautiful, curvy woman, over a knobbly frame that feels fragile to hold. I am not trying to offend thinner ladies, you are equally as beautiful, but I just prefer a curvier look. Which is strange seeing as I'm curvy and can't stand the way I look! My goodness, we really are a strange breed us girls! (queue men rolling their eyes and furiously nodding in agreement!)

I guess I am talking about this currently because I am feeling a little low about my appearance. I referred  to myself as looking 'scrappy' to Mr M, who said, 'oh my lovely, you don't look scrappy!' (I love him!).

I feel in need of being airlifted to a Health Spa and picked up in a couple of days. I know it sounds very self-indulgent to talk about, but back in the day, when I had a better job, I was able to afford regular hair cuts, colours, trips to Boots for skincare products and new make up etc. These days it is bare essentials only and hair cuts only when I get very desperate. I am the first to say that materialism isn't all that matters, it should not matter, but a few things, here and there, just to make you feel better about yourself when you are feeling low really makes a difference - for women especially.

Anyway, whilst I have a mental battle after M said 'why don't I treat you to a few bits' (I never take money off anyone) I will browse on Boots and do what I usually do when skint - fill the online basket so I feel like I am doing some shopping, then delete that basket. Imaginary shopping complete!!

Don't judge me! :-) 

That back to school feeling.

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Sometimes, and I really don't know why this happens, when I get up for work, especially when it is early, I feel that nervous feeling in my stomach. It is the same feeling you get when you start a new job or have mega worries in your head (or the same feeling as when you'd had a whole summer off school and had to go back). It can really psyche me out and make me feel on the edge of tears. I had it this morning before I left for work. I wanted the safety of my house and the comfort of my bed. This feeling normally rears its ugly head in the winter months when I am starved of daylight, but when it strikes it is terrifyingly uncomfortable. I am open about my history of depression (just haven't talked about it here yet) so when this feeling strikes it is really awful for me and bowls me down so fast.

Still, I have made it to work, with a '...it'll be alright when you get there and see your friends' from Mr M (just like school days for sure!). I will smile and stand tall and no one will be any the wiser.

Do you suffer with this feeling? How do you handle it? I am intrigued to know, let's share! 

Time for a change.

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Recently I have been going through a time of needing to deal with situations that have ben long buried in my mind. I am great at giving advice but really terrible at dealing with my own rubbish. My avoidance techniques are many and varied and include: turning up music or TV so that I cannot hear anything else, keeping so busy I go insane and exercising until late at night as to get myself so ruddy tired I have no energy for more. It has taken me nearly three years of thinking and avoiding and suffering the metaphorical rain showers to get ready to move forward.

I am soon to make a big step forward in my personal life, which has taken such a lot of physical and emotional effort to reach, with no additional support from anyone. One day I may have the strength to talk about it.

In order to get there I have made many steps and when I make the final one I will need a distraction to prevent madness from setting in completely. I have started working on other projects and will endeavour to set goals to put these into action. I will be collaborating with a close friend to make crafts ready to sell and hope that we can both step forwards together. I will introduce you to her soon as she will be advertising her blog on my blog and vice versa.

It has also occurred to me that recently I have gone in to a little bit of self neglect: chewing and picking my nails, not making the effort to look after my skin, not eating as well as I should etc. All of this needs to end and I have been looking for inspiration in this area too. I found this lovely ladies YouTube channel so motivational and down to earth, check out Lily Pebbles now!!

 

The new social.

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Social Networking. A strange phenomenon huh?

I am of the age where it is 'the norm' to be on every kind of social networking medium out there. But I find it all strange, even though I do use it. I just try and use it sparingly and very carefully I guess. Recently I put myself back on Facebook again. After the collapse of a long term relationship I felt it was time to step away from the strangeness and stalker nature of FB in order to not get overly obsessed with what my ex, Rob, was up to, including finding out what everyone's opinions were, whos 'side' they had chosen etc.

People who are my friends on my personal FB account (there are only about 15 of them these days) tend to widely advertise every part of their lives. Whilst I find it fascinating, I would rather do it anonymously....here!

There are some strange ones on FB right?!? Recently I received a private message on my personal account. Some random nut job decided he would message me to let me know he thought I was 'pretty hot'... when I did some investigation into this message I discovered he was a friend of a friend. That's all a bit risky is it not? I could have been really insulted and ended up falling out with our mutual friend. I guess he was hoping for me to PM back declaring that I thought he was the most gorgeous male specimen I had set eyes on and beg him to meet me immediately, if not sooner, for a lust filled evening, followed closely by marriage (obviously) and children (of course!).

Almost a week later I gained a new follower on my personal Twitter account. Some guy, with a very anonymous picture (of just one, very young looking eye). He occasionally comments on what I have to say, and, I must admit, he is quite amusing! He says intelligent things and is clearly intellectual. He responded to something I had written this week and we engaged in a short conversation, which was fine. After a while I was rounding up the stream of sentences when he said 'we really should get to know each-other'!! Then he PM'd me. 

Let me set a bit more of a scene. He never gives ANYTHING away, zip all. This PM message tells me his age (older than I would've said by about 15 years), his job, his rough location. He says he doesn't message everyone like he messages me. Anyone else freaked out yet? 

Bloody social media. It gives people anonymity and a boost of confidence right? Some guys just wouldn't approach a girl unless it was behind a photo of a 20 year old's eye.

So happy you're back.

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M has been gone this week, for a couple of weeks. It has been so strange without him about the place. I love time alone, I find it relaxing and calming, but at the same time I have been longing for his touch and his warmth. He is my rock, my pal, my soothing little partner in crime. When he is back everything seems 'whole' again... plus there'e the 'I've missed you sex...'

;-)

Unexpected mood booster!

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Do you know what is a really good mood booster? Finding out someone has a bit of a crush on you. It can really help lift your confidence and help you towards a much happier place. I found out recently that someone I work with is really into me. I really don't mean to sound arrogant about it but it is really nice! Despite yesterdays post, I really don't get a whole lot of male attention. It's true! I have been told that I can be intimidating to men. I think it is down to being nervous and cracking some really rather bad jokes. I feel awkward around them sometimes, and then I can fall into the 'friends zone' - there is really no turning back from that place!

So I find out this guys thinks I am pretty nice and it gave me the boost I needed at a time I was feeling low. It is amusing though, us ladies can spend our lives saying how we don't need men to give us confidence but boy do we feel good when it comes along.

Springing back to the front.

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Do you ever have those moments when something springs back into your memory that was fairly significant in its own way but you had totally forgotten about it? Well, that's what happened to me today.

When I was 19 we had the sort of neighbour's that most teenagers obsess with (I certainly did!). They were a cute couple, in their mid 30's, with what seemed like a perfect lifestyle - Him: flash car, music, smart clothes / Her: petite, lovely, kind and caring. I liked to watch their comings and goings - there were many parties with 'cool' music blaring out.

One day we were all invited over. When my parents left I stayed on for a bit. Sat in their conservatory I chatted to one of his friends called Pete. Pete was a 30 something, silver fox, with a good job and a nice car. He was charming and I was pulled in by him.

I was about to leave and nipped into the downstairs toilet on my way out. When I opened the door that led into the hallway by the front door Pete was there. He said nothing, just pushed me up against the wall, right there and then, and kissed me with the most passion my 19 year old self had ever experienced. As he pulled away the hall door opened and everyone came outside to say goodbye to guests. No words were exchanged, but later that week I got a call from him.

Our time together was so brief, we weren't 'together' but we spent a few evenings getting to know each other. My slightly wiser head tells me now that I was an ego boost to him but whatever I was we did have fun! The first time I saw him after that party was when he invited me to his apartment near where I am right now actually. I got all dressed up and drove over. He wined and dined me and I remember he played George Michael's album (!). We chatted for hours and then I finally said goodnight and got to the front door- he caught my arm and pulled me close to him, kissing me in that same frantic way that caught me so off-guard the first time round. We ended up in bed together and it was only ok. I remember feeling disappointed but I didn't know an awful lot better then. Tragic!

We met a few more times after that and then we agreed it wasn't ever going to be anything more so stopped getting in touch. It is funny how you forget these people or these strange but fun situations that life throws up.
As I am typing I am remembering more...

(they will save for another night!)

Changing habits

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I get so angry with myself at times for letting things that have happened in the past directly affect the now. My very first boyfriend (ever), when I was about 17, cheated on me (and a few others after him). He went away once and I know what happened. He shortly ended things, by which time I was about 18-19, and a couple of days later paraded his gorgeous new girlfriend in front of my work. I was devastated. Utterly heartbroken. My first love had ripped my heart apart and it took a long time to get over.

Another boyfriend, when I was in my early 20's, started his own business and used to be constantly calling this girl, called Gemma, chatting to her in some central office that used him as a freelancer. He was a cretin. He treated me so badly, mentally screwing me over.

To sum up (!) - years of torment have led to my current insecurities, even though I am with an absolute angel of a man. I know he won't cheat. I know it deep inside me, but from previous experiences I get worried and stupidly insecure. I don't want to be one of those girls. I really don't. In seconds I can go from uber secure and confident to an utter mess, hating myself, feeling like the ugliest individual around. I have read enough psychoanalysis in my time to know it stems from the past and, quite frankly, I don't need Freud to offer advice, because I am pretty sure he would say 'effing well sort it out'.

Sometimes I am truly ridiculous.

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Sometimes you just stand back from yourself and have a realisation.

I have realised that I am spending so much time trying to keep people happy and stay in touch with everyone and not hurt anyone that I am spreading myself too thinly and not giving time to the things and people that matter the most. I am so 'on edge' all the time, trying to decide how to handle my situation with Ron, whilst trying to build on my relationship with Mr M. It's impossible. In case you are wondering - I am not seeing two men here. I am trying to cut out an old one without hurt and without disaster...I have tried, believe me. I have had conversations, tried to explain that I care but don't want to be with him anymore. But the thing is, I still have feelings, not love, but feelings. We were together a while - we were the best of friends. It is hard and it is painful and I worry about him. I worry that something will happen to him and he won't have anyone to pick him up and take care of him. I know we are not meant to be together - there is no heat, no passion, I don't fancy him. What I have with M is passion, it is everything I have read about and fantasised about. We are friends, we talk, he listens, I love him so much. But it is still hard handling the other situation.

I would not recommend trying to exist in two spaces at once. In an ideal world I would have had a lot more time alone before meeting M, but life doesn't produce 'ideal situations' does it?

Anyway, the stress of it all impacts greatly on my relationship. How can I give 100% to M if I am worrying about Rob. My mind is spinning all the time and thoughts are no longer logical. Rob wants to see me and asks me all the time to see him. I make excuses up so I don't upset him. This has to stop, and I have to stop it. This is all my fault and I have the control to bring it all to an end. 

There is no truer saying than 'everyone is fighting their own battle'.

I don't normally do this (but)...

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I don't normally partake in the 'sharing' on FB of mass statuses. However, yesterday a friend had this  on their wall, I think it is true and it is worth stopping to consider this statement for a second:

Did you know that the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are often the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need caring for the most? Did you know that the three hardest things to say are 'I love you', 'I'm sorry' and 'help me'. Sometimes, just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

Think about it and be mindful today.

Funny old times...

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This weekend I spent a whole lot of time thinking about what I used to get up to in my early 20's and who I used to spend my time with. There is one person who makes me smile widely when I think about the past, not because I hold onto any regrets about him in the sense of a lost love, but just because of the stupid things we did together and also how stupid I was for him! I do miss him though, it has been a long time...

Mr G and I met at work. It was possibly one of the worst jobs either of us had ever had. The boss was   so bad and the company was so dodgy! (They got closed down not long after we left - thank God!). After we left the company and both moved on to other jobs we started hanging out more. He had a girlfriend (long term) and I was with someone too.

Thinking back, our relationship was so strange! We loved each others company and, even though we were both with people, still did anything to spend time together. We hung out late at night; he would call me and say 'fancy watching a film?' and I would rush over there, super tired but happy to spend time there, with him. I would sit in front of him whilst we watched the film and he would play with my hair. We would share ice cream, drink tea and chat and joke about stupid things.

We were never 'together'. We never discussed whether we had 'feelings' for each other or not, we just carried on this way for years. It only seems strange now.

I guess when you're older you need stability.

I realised, one day, years ago, that I was in love with him. But I also knew he wasn't in love with me. We had kissed a few times when we were both without partners, but that's as far as it ever went. I just think we were both a bit young to know what we wanted and what it was we were feeling.

During the later stages of our 'friendship' I used to arrange to see him, or he would tell me he would call but he never did. I would message him and leave him a voicemail every now and again.

One Christmas I remember thinking '...damn him, I am in love with him, I ache without him and I would do anything to see him or hear his voice...'. He turned up that year. Knocked on the front door, said 'Happy Christmas' and gave me a flower (I can't remember what it was, but I know it was some big, posh bloom). He didn't come in. That was that, gone...again.

After that I would receive the occasional text or email from him and we did meet for a coffee once or twice. So much time had passed by that I was happy to say to him 'you hurt me by keeping me strung along for so long...' I even told him I used to be in love with him. The lack of answer to that statement marked the turning point for me and I thought 'just move on'.

Weird though, thinking back on things that used to consume every part of you.

The thing is, I did love him, but experience tells me now that it wasn't the kind of love that would keep me going now; it was young, stupid love. The kind that is shallow and easily lost. New experiences have taught me what proper 'grown up' love is all about and, my God, it hurts so much more. If only we realise, when we're younger, how easy we have it.

Boxes.

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One thing you need to know about me is that I rarely open up about my problems to my friends. I am the one people come to, not the one that calls someone up in an emergency.

This last year has been one of the most stressful I  have ever experienced and I have felt incredibly alone and very vulnerable. This week has been the outpouring of all of it. I have cried and yelled and broken down more times than I can say. Not attractive, but very necessary! 

I saw some very close friends last week and one of them spoke to me about putting life issues into hypothetical 'boxes'. Separating everything into it own place and deciding which thing carries the most priority and then dealing with it. He explained how he coped, using this technique, when he moved away from his family. It makes sense, perfect sense. 

This is something I need to get better at, separating things. For me, everything ends up in one large ball of crap and I cannot see an end point or solution through it all.

So, having just unloaded almost all of my boxes post-move, I now have to construct some metaphorical ones and start filling them. Wish me luck.

Just sending some love.

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Sometimes we all just have to take a step back. It is easy to moan and think that our lives our difficult and we can find ourselves getting wrapped up in the small things sometimes, losing all sense of perspective (I am one of those people too - I think we all are, it's human nature).

Just in my lifetime there has been some some pretty despicable things happen in this world that make you stand up straighter and hold your loved ones that little bit tighter. I don't know that we can ever stop them happening but what we can do is not let it beat us down. 

My thoughts are with the family and friends of the soldier killed yesterday in London. There are no words to describe such an attack.  

Poorly me.

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I am keeping it short and sweet this evening as my brain feels like it is melting out of my ears. I left work early to collapse in bed with a painful head and horrendous sickly feeling inside. Previously mentioned feeling has now subsided, however, exploding head remains! This picture is to help us all relax! Enjoy.

Hopefully, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed people! It's goodnight from me!
xoxox

A Monday hug

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Despite the stresses of last week, last month, last year...bla bla (!), I want to at least start this fresh week off feeling a little more optimistic and less terrified! I find that a good way to start the day is to have a nice big cuddle, something I couldn't quite muster out of Mr M this morning as he was still dozing at 5.30am!

The weekend was good, we decorated a bit more of our new space, which was great but exhausting and now we are on to a brand new week! I am looking forward to finishing everything to get to the fun stuff of actually living in our space rather than out of boxes. It will be lovely to have friends over and celebrate the start of our new life. Scary and exciting times ahead.

So, on this slightly grey Monday (well, here anyway!), if you are feeling a little blue, grab someone special and hug it out until it all feels better!

Yesterdays rain is tomorrows rainbow.

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It's funny what a difference 12 hours can make.

Yesterday I had a truly shit day. Excuse the language. It is the only descriptive. In fact this entire week has been utterly lousy. A hard work week plus a few odds and ends thrown in to mess up my head. I got in last night and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, I couldn't get myself together at all. I was sobbing and wandering about like a total moron.

I get myself into a lot of hard situations which are totally my own fault but I am trying to protect lots of people at the heart of it. That is impossible to maintain. I am learning fast that simplicity is key. 

The only thing keeping me going right now is that things have to get better because I cannot feel any worse about everything right now and I know that I deserve some lighter hearted times too. I know I do.

Me time.

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In the midst of all the madness that is my life at the moment I am trying to take five minutes out of my day to think about me time. Can I just point out that, apart from a few gym sessions, I get no me time whatsoever. None. Zilch. Zip. I'm not entirely convinced that that is healthy.

 

So right now I am having a little moment of dreaming of what I would do with my me time:

 

- cuddle up on the sofa and catch up with 'guilty pleasure' TV (Made in Chelsea - sorry, I can't help it, don't judge me!)

 

- take a wander in town, buy a magazine, and sit in a coffee shop, people watching and reading - oh, and I would spend a good hour in a good bookstore for sure!

 

- Can I add a saunter around a garden centre into this...

 

- Go to the cinema.

 

- Make a hearty meal; buy ingredients, peel, chop, cook, serve nicely and actually have time to eat calm and relaxed! Miracle!

 

- Soak in the bath and remember what it feels like to be pampered.

 

All of this would be heaven.

 

I actually like spending time on my own. I have never lived alone but have always fancied it. Shutting my door at night and just being 'me', thinking about what I want to do, or going to bed at 7.30pm because I am exhausted. Whatever I did wouldn't have a knock-on effect on anyone but me. Does that sound selfish? Probably, but I certainly don't mean it to.

 

Me time is good. Quiet time is lovely. These days we are forgetting to get to know ourselves because we are too busy to.

 

Get to know yourself, it will serve you well for the future.

 

 

Impact.

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Have you ever stopped to notice how different people impact upon your life in different ways? I am thinking about this a lot today. I sometimes resort to writing lists to help resolve situations I am finding tough or confusing.

I mentioned Robert before, in a previous post - he had a huge impact in my life - massive. He still does but in different ways now. Maybe this is a time thing. We were together for a long time, a really long time. We knew each other totally. We had one of those relationships where you can walk in a room and know what someone is feeling without them saying one word. He really made me laugh too. That made an impact, but if I am honest, that impact has only been made since I don't have it anymore. I am not suggesting I am regretful, just that I miss the 'lighter' elements of what we had.

Now, with my current man, whom we shall call 'Mark',  things are totally different. Not a bad thing, but I miss the lightheartedness (is that a word?) of things I had before. Mark is more serious, a deep thinker (something I do like by the way!), but there is a lot of heaviness too. It can be challenging, but he is also so much more open about feelings and not scared of talking about tricky situations - that is a real plus and something Rob and I didn't do - a big reason it fell apart.

Marks impact on me has been significant too, but very, very different. Sometimes I question our longevity when it comes to seriousness of it all. Then I remember there has been many tough times, out of our control, that we have had to deal with, and I start to feel guilty for doubting us.

But still, if you are the sort of person that needs 'light' and laughter it is easy to become dragged down, especially when you are the sort of person who constantly tries to lift people up.

Trust the niggle.

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Today I turned into one of those people.

I cried. At work. Spontaneously burst out crying.

I felt like a prized idiot.

In my defence, I have been feeling so many emotions over the past two to three weeks that I haven't known how to get my head in gear. I am properly all over the place at the moment. My mind is wandering all the time, all day. I want to cry at the drop of a hat (before you ask, no, I am not pregnant!). I feel like I have been trying to sort my life out since I was 14 years old. Well, now I should have it sorted, right?

I don't know if I am going in the right direction. What if I am not? Exciting things are happening but I am just not feeling 'on board'. Something niggly doesn't feel right. Why?

Do I just 'have a word' with myself and get on with it, or do I trust the niggly feelings?

The horrible thing about that question is that I know what I would say to someone who was asking me that... I would tell them to 'trust the niggle'.

So familiar.

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Familiar doesn't equal forever, does it?

The smell of the house, the clothes...you.

You know me. Really know me, but sometimes I feel mad at you and frustrated at it all. What happened to us? We were the couple that everyone wanted to be. We faded away to this, whatever 'this' is.

You know when I will feel sad and you know what makes me happy. You know I like tea in bed whilst reading a magazine and lazy evenings sitting in the garden or pottering around.

It was you and me, and now it isn't, I want it and I don't want it.

It is a battle I don't think I am ever going to win.

The trials of it all.

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Sometimes the trials of it all really wear me down and I often find myself at the point of tears in situations where I should feel the total opposite. This is all down to change. 

I am such a creature of habit. I do not like change at all, and I like plenty of warning that something is going to break my routine. Everything is in the middle of change right now and I am feeling super unsettled. I am sure it will be fine, not all scary things are wrong, I know that much. I am getting older and I need to surrender to life. I am flighty sometimes, like one of those men in films, or like Chandler in friends (!). I find committing hard, I feel 'locked in' - even if I don't want to be anywhere else and I wouldn't have it any differently - I still feel that way. A sense of panic can wash over me so fast and before I know it I am drowning in it. 

I will write a post in a couple of weeks and update you on my stupidity, and, I bet you all my heart, I feel just fine - it is just lifes little test. I will learn from this and I will grow... I WILL!!